I'm stuck. Don't get me wrong, my life is very good in many ways. I am happily married and love my time at home, away from it all. But it's not my free time I'm concerned about. It's the stuff I need getting away from that's holding me back.
I have two jobs. They're both good jobs, but they're part-time and vaguely related to what I like to do, but they don't offer me any benefits or the feeling that I'm making a difference. One is in retail, selling mostly digital cameras and MP3 players. Sure, they're both products I'm familiar with, but the most interesting parts of my days there are usually unrelated to the job. When a customer comes in and we shoot the shit about the poor quality of Grade-A beef or when a coworker tells a good joke about his heritage; those are the highlights. I don't usually care about selling an extra $30 in accessories, mostly because I don't see a dime of that even though oftentimes, that's somehow my 'goal.'
At my other job as a librarian, yeah, sure, I like helping people get books. Books are great. It's just that I'm constantly reminded of the problems facing society while I explain the concepts of 'waiting lists' to another person eager to get their hands on the latest by Danielle Steel or Nicholas Sparks. Meanwhile, 'A Prayer for Owen Meany' and 'The Autobiography of Malcolm X' sit on the shelves collecting dust. I guess I have that problem at my other job too, as people seem to need help finding complete seasons of 'Two and a Half Men' or the newest release by Michael Buble, and never want Hitchcock or Tchaikovsky.
I suppose all that makes me an elitist. That's a moniker I can live with. Feel free to lump me in the same category as Barack Hussein Obama. I think I'm just as deserving of a Nobel prize as him anyway, so it all works out.
What I'm trying to say (I think) is that my jobs offer no challenge and they depress me. It depresses me to be reminded that people don't mind whatever version of 'Halloween' they go home with and have no problem spending $150 on an HDMI cable while their children stare at me open-mouthed with Kool-Aid stained smiles and a pile of DVDs that subliminally advertize more than they entertain.
So what do I do about it? Absolutely nothing. I guess I could try and ignore it, the problems specific to the American way of life. These problems that contribute to my misguided anger, depression and feeling of hopelessness. If I lived in an African village, where an extra pair of pants is considered a luxury item, would I be depressed about my neighbor who has chosen to trade for a goat instead of a cow? Probably not, but the chances of me making it to the age of 27 and in good health would not be very good. I don't think I'd make a very good hunter or forager anyway.
And now to the reason I sat down and wrote this blog... the Zombie Walk, going on in Utica tonight. It's an event that I will regretfully miss, but it's something I see every day, when more and more people wander aimlessly into stores seeking goods they cannot fully explain the reason for purchasing, and under the banner of 'helping the economy,' making the distance between the rich and the poor that much greater.
I wanted to film the Zombie Walk and edit a short piece for freelance work, now that I have my own camera and want to get my production company off the ground, but I couldn't because I finally decided to get more work using another of my tools, the tenor saxophone.
I was a music major once, but between flunking out and not being completely in love with music, I chose a different path. Now, it seems, I can't get away from it because it comes easy to me. And it has gotten in the way of what I want to do with my life. You see, I just started with this big band and then agreed to play this Salsa gig on Tuesday. Now, for that, I need to practice with the small ensemble, and we rehearse tonight, during the Zombie Walk.
I was reluctant to join this band, because I'm already spending time with my party/disco band and that gets in the way enough. I no longer find too much joy in music, aside from listening to it, and between two jobs and two bands, my free time has been slaughtered. That was the time I was supposed to spend getting used to using my camera and filming pieces to bulk up my portfolio to get me a job to get me benefits to make me happy. Right now, I use that time to sleep and stare blankly at the wide screen TV that was given to us as a wedding gift, not caring which 'Halloween' I could get my hands on.
It seems I, too, am a victim of brainwashing. The fact that I'm aware doesn't make it any better, it just depresses me more. I don't know what I want to be, but I don't want to be what I am now.
I need to blog more often. This is an okay post, but I need to be more specific. There's too much I want to say right now and as a result, my point is lost somewhere in the confusion. Oh well.
Take care. Be aware.
-Travis.
