Free Shit and Toilet Paper

I'm new to city life, so I'm not sure if this is a city thing or an Ireland thing, but if you wake up early enough, you get free shit on your morning commute.

There seems to be a great number of people making a living out of giving away free samples to those walking before 09:00, first and foremost the two newspapers (comparable to the Pennysaver) the Metro and Herald AM. These papers aren't exactly top-of-the-line, but they're reasonably priced and make for great kindling or floor mats. They each have every section of the news, and most importantly, three different Sudokus - from easy to insanely difficult. So they've got that going for them. It would be appropriate to refer to these publications as 'Toilet Papers,' not only because they're excellent reading material for the bathroom, but can also, well, I don't need to go into detail.

One morning, I was treated to a free shot of yogurt, another morning a free half-litre of juice. Now, if you want more than one freebie, you just have to pocket one and walk fifty meters to the next give awayer and get another. I walked away with enough juice for the week that morning. Was the juice good? I'd say it was nothing to write home about, but it was definitely something I'll talk about until the day I die. While I'm not literally writing home about it, I have mentioned it to my parents on the phone and am currently discussing it on this blog, which I intend on people reading from my home, so...I guess you could call me a liar. It was something to write home about.

Since the half-litre juice day, only shots of this fruit/vegetable juice have been given out, but I know not to buy the stuff anymore. I'm pretty sure some girls from a cafe near my apartment give away free tea, but I always drink tea before leaving, and get free tea at work, so I have no need to find out what's inside those steaming styrophome cups.

There are always people offering coupons or advertisements for one cellphone company, O2, but I don't take those. On Valentine's Day, free candy hearts were given away. They were stale, but that's nothing out of the ordinary for candy hearts. I think the shelf-life for candy hearts is, well, I wouldn't be surprised if they were made in East Germany.

By far, my favorite aspect of the free shit on the streets of Dublin is the ridiculous outfits these people have to wear. Those offering the newspapers wear jackets and hats with the respective paper's logo on them, and stand right next to their 'compeditor,' as if there's much of a difference between the two. (I wouldn't be surprised if they were owned by the same company.) Those offering juice wear a bright orange jumpsuit, with the slogan 'Are you getting enough' embroidered on the back. On V-Day, the candy heart ladies all were dressed like cupid. Stupid, yes, but they make the 20-minute walk easier to deal with.

All this makes me feel a little better about the homeless, because they're always up at this time of day as well. It's nice to know they're getting some free papers, as all that free juice tends to loosen up the bowels.

Well, my time is up for today, as I've just been yelled at by some bitch. Apparently, even though there are plenty of computers in this 'psychology students only' lab, I have to leave immediately. Fucking bullshit. So much for proof-reading this one. I hope it makes sense!