Givin' Off the Vibe

Disclaimer: If you finish reading this and are mildly offended, you can blame Drew and Kelley for requesting an update. This is pretty much the only interesting thing that's happened to me since my last post.



Here's one of the reasons I don't go to bars any more.

So, I'm standing outside of Utica's most expensive hot-spot, Space 25 or something, I forget, and I'm just waiting for Marissa and reading the paper on my iPhone. (Sidenote, this kind of goes against everything I stand for, but the iPhone is fucking SWEET!) And this tall, I guess we'll call him attractive, exTREMEly gay black dude starts talking to me while he smokes a cigarette. His questions are probing, to put it lightly, and all the while he's loooking me up and down.

His opener - "are you in the army?" (because I was wearing an army-fatigue jacket, as per usual).
My response - "um, no. I'm into garage sales. This was a dollar."

I know what he's thinking. I don't know why I give off a gay vibe, but it happens sometimes, I guess. Does it show that I recently had a dream about Vice-President Tom Cruise asking me to shave my ass when I was pantsless at an important meeting, possibly a debriefing of some kind? I guess it does now. Maybe you, dear reader, can tell me what exactly it is about me that both repels women and attracts men.

Anyway, here's something NOT to say to a person you're not interested in, regardless of their sex.

Me - "So....what's your name?"
Him - "Kirkland."
Me - "Oh, I live in Kirkland."

I didn't think about it at the time, but I definitely should have gone with Clinton. Or Paris. Or ANYWHERE. When is it too early to tell someone you're not attracted to them? I didn't want to be rude to the guy, so I just let the uncomfortable conversation finish of its own accord.

He finally realized I was the way I was when he asked if I was here with anyone, and I excitedly proclaimed, "YES. YES, I'M HERE WITH MY FIANCEE!" He promptly said it was nice meeting me and bade me farewell.

I have nothing against those of us who happen to be gay. I think that's great, and I think Iowa and Vermont and Sweden and that other place that is doing great things human rights for homosexuals is great. I'm just not gay myself.

Would it help if I was bald again? And I don't mean my ass, Vice-President Cruise.