This whole Superbowl thing. I mean, I don't even see the merit in "watching it for the commercials" any more. I'm not the only person who won't be watching The Big Game, of course. There's homeless people, hipsters, foreigners and the mentally-challenged, to name a few. We non-Bowlies also probably don't go head-over-heels for other culturally-defining events like, the State of the Union Address or American Idol, but I digress. I would say the homosexuals aren't into the game, but come on. This is a huge spectacle, Christina Aguilera is singing the Star-Spangled Banner, there's going to be a half-time show with the Black Eyed Peas and to top it off, Football is just about the gayest sport out there (just close your eyes and listen to the announcers for ten minutes and TRY not to think of it with homoerotic undertones).
But really, what AM I trying to say?
I meant to segue from 'I don't like sports' to 'The Harlem Globetrotters put on one hell of a show.' So let's just assume I did just that and move on.
I took the wife to see the famed comedy/basketball team last night and, well... It. Was. AMAZING. I surprised her with tickets after taking her out for sushi and we both loved every minute. Not because it was the best thing we'd ever seen, but in the same way you just have to appreciate the movie 'Blade.' Is it the best movie ever? No. Will you ever forget Wesley Snipes delivering the line "Some mothafuckas always be tryin' to ice-skate uphill" for no apparent reason? Also no.
So let's backtrack for a second. When the wife and I were just boyfriend and girlfriend, we were in line at the Bagel Grove and saw the next month's list of Utica events on a calendar. I asked, "If you had to, which of these would you want to see if you could only pick one?" Almost immediately, she replied 'The Harlem Globetrotters,' and then added that she also was pretty unfamiliar with what she answered. I told her a little about the event and she was very interested. Unfortunately, this was six years ago and for one reason or another, we had never gotten a chance to see the self-proclaimed 'World Famous' basketball team.
So last night, I surprised her. We were both very, very excited when we got to the Utica Memorial Auditorium and even happier when we saw that our seats were fucking PRIMO.
If you have never seen the Globetrotters, put it on your 'life list.' If you don't have a 'life list,' get a piece of paper and a pen, write 'LIFE LIST' on the top and then in the left-hand margin (your left, not the paper's) write the number one. Circle that number. Then to the right of that number just write 'Harlem Globetrotters.' Now underline it. You may repeat that last step for emphasis. Don't worry, when you find this list later, you'll know precisely what it means.
Okay, I don't want to spoil it for you Globetrotter virgins, but let me tell you, these guys can play some fucking basketball! And what showmanship! What I liked most about it as an adult was noticing the subtle actions by the refs, the team managers, and most of all, the Washington Generals. How embarrassing it must be to be a General. Getting booed all night, every night, and never winning a game. Oh well, they should probably just fire their coach. It was his fault we were booing them. The nerve of him accurately describing the condition of our fair city - comparing it to a toilet and saying we should be embarrassed to live here. Yeah it's true, but it's like he wasn't even trying to get on our good side. I'm glad they lost. They played like shit anyway. All the 'Trotters (I'm allowed to use that word because I've seen them) literally dribbled circles around them. I'm surprised how close the game ended up though.
The best part of all was the complete disregard for every basketball rule I had ever learned. And right in the middle of a play, there would be 'bits,' like the "steal-the-purse-from-a-spectator" bit and the "skip-across-the-court-with-a-little-girl" bit that I remember from when I was a kid, but what I appreciated most was a prize. See, during one of the longer breaks from the action, this man came up and if he succeeded in making a lay-up, a free-throw, and a three-pointer, he would win....
A ticket to ANYWHERE in the Continental United States...
on a Greyhound bus.
I don't know about you, but that sounds like a pretty inconvenient prize. I mean, if it were me, I would probably just take it to Albany or something. I don't really want to be on a bus, even a nice bus, for too long. Do people even still take the bus? Not that there's anything wrong with taking the bus, but at least give this guy a headband or something. But he made the shots. Surprisingly enough, the one he had the most trouble with was the lay-up.
Is that how you type 'lay-up'? I mean, that's what I've been writing, but that doesn't necessarily make it so. I didn't look it up, and 'layup' just looks wrong.
So on to the moral of this story. Just go see the World Famous Harlem Globetrotters some day and experience it for yourself. I mean, what else are you going to do on a Wednesday night during a blizzard on Groundhog's Day?
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